Reaching goals requires effort and faith!

It’s been a month since I’ve written, mostly because of the new medication and trying to adjust my life around a real, honest-to-goodness diagnosis of thyroid disease. Here’s what I’ve learned in the last month:

• Treating a thyroid disorder is not cut and dried. There are so many hormones at play, it’s really like a choreographed dance. I’m feeling quite klutzy right now, but I’m sure that things will get better.
• I gave Synthroid a shot and it’s not for me. I won’t go into all the side effects I bumped up against in a very short time of using it, but it’s not worth it. Not when there are alternatives.
• Sleep is incredibly important. Incredibly. I am aiming for at least 7 hours of good, uninterrupted sleep. Doesn’t happen every night but it’s getting better. I started out the year having to listen to self-hypnosis apps on my iPhone to fall asleep – now I’m down to a sleep mask (to darken the room) and earplugs, so that’s a huge step. My brain has stopped being “on” at all the wrong times.
• Supplementation – less is more. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that this over-the-counter vitamin or that herbal supplement will help. I’ve been stripping back to the bare essentials and only taking what I know is helpful for my adrenals and my thyroid. I eat well so I’m letting my food be my medicine. Because my thyroid malfunction is likely causing malabsorption of nutrients anyway, no sense in downing a bunch of vitamins if they’re not going to do any good.
• Resting is good, but not for too long. I’ve been taking a break from scheduled workouts because my cortisol levels were wonky and anything that got my heart rate up risked depleting my cortisol further. My energy is getting better all the time, so it’s time to get back on that train. It’s hard to do when you’ve been off-track for a bit, but I’m getting myself organized and holding myself accountable by being public about it. That worked wonders during the fitness contest and it’s bound to be my saving grace in the future. I’m not always inwardly motivated but if I tell others about it, I feel obliged to follow through. I hate letting others down; I know I should be more worried about letting myself down, but hey – that’s how I’m wired, so I’m working with it.
• Never be afraid to ask for more. At the doctor, I requested additional tests and I was specific. Because of this, I finally got the answer to my health concerns that have been plaguing me for YEARS. I know how I feel, and I know I’m not a hypochondriac. I know how the body should react and change when it’s given good food, rest and exercise and mine certainly did not respond the way it should have.  Yes, I lost 20 lbs. But that was it. It stopped at a new set point and has remained there since mid-May. This has been the pattern for over 15 years and I know that it’s not how I want to feel anymore. So I asked for more, and I got it. I’ve been afraid of seeming too pushy or too needy, but in reality? I’m being my own advocate. The car accident showed me that you have to be, because nobody else will. Just spend a year dealing with doctors and lawyers and ICBC adjusters to get that straight.

I asked for (and received) an appointment with a specialist at UBC, Dr. David Thompson. He is highly regarded in the thyroid treatment community as a doctor who listens and who will prescribe the right medication for the patient. Which means he will sometimes prescribe T4 only (Synthroid) but will also prescribe combo T4/T3 treatments. I’m currently taking Armour, which I’m buying from the Naturopath. I would prefer to take advantage of my medical coverage and have my medication paid for, so I am seeing him on September 20th and am hopeful that I will walk out with a prescription for Thyroid (yes… the brand name is Thyroid! Same type of medication as Armour, but is Canadian made and available by prescription) and that the next phase of my health journey will begin. My MD, while she is young and pretty good, only prescribes Synthroid. It’s a shame, because there are alternatives and we’re not all cookie cutters of each other. There are probably thousands of people out there feeling miserable because their thyroid treatment is not suited to their condition.

I’m looking forward to the future with cautious optimism. I think I’ve caught this early enough that I can reverse some of the damage having a low-functioning thyroid has caused in my body. I’m eager to talk to the specialist because I have suspicions that the Hashimoto’s (autoimmune thyroiditis, which is very likely what I have – I’ve tested positive for antibodies, and Hashi’s is what causes 90% of all thyroid disorders) was triggered when I was about 12 years old. I developed unexplained hives that persisted for about 2-3 years and was put on Seldane once a day until I was 15. I also developed pompholyx, a type of hand eczema, at that time. It was really bad at first, and now I just get a couple of flare-ups a year. There is a link between hives and Hashimoto’s, so I’m very interested in talking to the specialist about this and getting his opinion.

The other thing I’m excited about is getting my BRAIN energy back! I am a bit of a high-achiever – I love having projects on the go, and I love helping other people. I’ve had to severely cut back on outside activities this year, and while it’s been good for getting clarity on real life priorities, I’m ready to start getting back into my creative, supportive groove. I have a lot of ambitions to do with photography and design, in particular, but I need energy and focus to work those ambitions. I’m pretty stoked that I’ve been able to do pretty well for the last few years considering that my thyroid has been self-destructing, so I’m pumped about how much brighter the future looks. I’m determined to get the meds that I need, to get them optimized, to eat and exercise to support my recovery, and to simply life my absolute best life. We just get this one kick at the can, so I’m not going to waste it.

Onwards and upwards!

PS: I’ve recently changed web hosts, so the blog was down for a bit while I got everything back up and running. I’m still working on getting my fitness blog back up. I’m ready to start posting regularly to both – that’s progress!

June was rough. My energy was waning daily, and to top it all off, I got hit with a brutal migraine that took me down hard for a day and then lingering effects the rest of the week. I went to my doctor, and she got a ton of lab requisitions for me. Right off the top, she noticed my blood pressure was a bit on the high side of normal, so prescribed HCZ for me. Great, now I’m on a diuretic. Well, maybe my feet will stop swelling up so badly. That would be nice. The headaches went away, so maybe that was a good call.

So off to the lab for all the tests and lo and behold – the thyroid finally comes back out of whack. First time I’ve requested the Free T3 and Free T4 test, which is a more sensitive test than the standard TSH that is always done. The Free T3 was on the low end, but just barely. So in a follow-up, my doctor repeated the test and also checked cortisol (adrenal function) and some other things. In the meantime, I realized that I probably wasn’t going to get the best care just going this route, so I asked my former naturopath in Vancouver, Dr. Natalie Mazurin (she’s great, if you are close to downtown – go see her!) if she could recommend an ND near to me. She got back to me quickly and recommended Dr. Corrine Dawson at Integrated Health in Fort Langley, so I called up and made an appointment. For the day after my birthday, no less!

This past Monday, the 12th, I met with Dr. Dawson after making the 30 minute, easy drive to Fort Langley. It’s a nice clinic, with its own lab and dispensary. She was running a bit late but it was ok – even though I almost fell asleep in the waiting room, but that’s par for the course these days. I had sent all of my tests from Dr. Natalie (hormone and allergy panel) and all my recent tests to the clinic prior to arriving, as well as a health history that I keep for myself and for any new doctors. As you get older, the story gets longer!! Dr. Corrine was appreciative of all the information, and Dr. Natalie had already forwarded a letter of introduction. I was good to go.

It was plainly obvious to Dr. Corrine that my thyroid and adrenals were not working well. She was very empathetic to my fatigue and other issues, particularly my sleep patterns, which have not been good. I have a lot of trouble falling sleep and staying asleep is an issue too. A couple times a month I get insomnia. The exercise was not helping this, and in fact… might have been making it work. The vigorous exercise I thought I needed to do to push my metabolically challenged body into losing weight was likely robbing the last stores of cortisol my poor adrenals had. My sleep rhythm was all out of order because my cortisol levels are not good. The test I had done showed them at about 200 when they should have been 400 for that time of day. Bleh. No wonder! I was given IsoCort, for supporting my adrenal function, and Armour Thyroid, for my thyroid. The dosing of thyroid medication is very individual so it may take some time for me to find the right level.

The next day (Tuesday) I had an appointment with my MD. She wanted to go over my labs, and said everything was normal (even the cortisol? really? the ND had a different take on that…) but that it did in fact look like I have an underactive thyroid. I told her that I was getting treatment from an ND and she was ok with that. She took the names of the medication down and gave me another lab req form for a month from now to get the TSH/T3/T4 combo done again. So that was good. I got my final TwinRix shot (hepatitis) before our trip in the fall, just for fun. Ouch. Three needles in three weeks, so fun. Oh, and not to mention all the blood I’ve given lately – but I’m not complaining, at least something has finally been found – because I knew I wasn’t feeling good and there had to be a reason.

I’m three days in on my new medication. Dr. Corrine said the results would be pretty fast – within the week. I felt pretty good on Tuesday, but terrible yesterday. The crushing fatigue was back, all day, all night. Until about 9pm, when I perked up. Thanks, adrenals. You need to get with the program! I slept well though. I take melatonin before bed, and the other tip my new ND gave was to take it at 8pm instead of right before bed. The body starts making melatonin naturally at that time, so it’s a good idea to mimic the natural rhythm. That has been working well the last couple of nights – I haven’t woken up much, and haven’t gotten out of bed for two nights. Yay! Today? I feel good. Not overly happy or anything, just ok and managing to make it through my to-do list with some intention.

The hardest part of this has been the lack of motivation to do anything the last few weeks. Hard to get out of bed, hard to move around, hard to work or think or anything. I’ve had many moments like this in my life, and they’ve all been classified as “depressive”. I look back at my history, and I think of the couple of years of graveyard shift I did at a hotel (6pm to 6am – yuck!) and I know that did no favours to my adrenal gland. And I think of a lot of other things in my life that probably impacted what’s happening right now. And I’m ok with it. I’m not a regretful person. Stuff happens, and whether it is meaningful or not, it doesn’t change the fact that it happened. I’m not looking for designs in the tea leaves here. I only have control over today, which paves the way for tomorrow. So today I’m going to eat well, take my new meds and hope that they hit the target, and keep track of how I’m feeling so I can be a good patient for my doctors. I’m going to try to have a good sleep tonight again, and try to figure out ways to remove additional stress from my life so my body and my life can be balanced.

My 38th year is very interesting, so far!

hey it's nice out! let's go to WordCamp... inside all day

I’m at WordCamp Vancouver 2010, being held at the Vancouver Museum in Kits. Beautiful location – reminds me of all the times we would visit the Planetarium when I was a kid and I would beg to have my picture taken with the crab sculpture outside. I’m here today to fill my head with tons of WP info so I can continue in my quest to understand how to use this awesome platform better and hopefully someday (soon) design for it. That’s my goal. I can wrap a nice, pre-made theme around it but am a little intimidated by the design framework. Hopefully today will help me continue to hack away at my intimidation!

On to the next session – John Biehler on WordPress Development platforms, which I did hear him talk about at Fraser Valley WordCamp, so here’s hoping it sinks in this time!!

Time to get more centered!

So the Total Makeover Challenge is over (I came in 2nd!), and it’s time to start picking up some of the things I had to set aside to allow for the intensity of the contest schedule. I’m happy and sad that it’s all done!

I’ve missed out on a few things over the last several months that I’ll be getting back to. Regular housecleaning, for one. I did a big clean-up yesterday, sacrificing my one full day of the long weekend to do it. It was sorely needed. My home office desk had become a dumping ground (again… yes, I know dear husband, I’m working on it…!) and I had to go through everything. Cleaned it all up. This has actually been a problem for over a year, maybe longer, so I even went into spots in my desk behind doors – yes, the hiding spots – and cleaned them out. It took nearly all day but I conquered it and I feel much better today for it.

I also did a good clean and vacuum. There’s lots more to do, as there always is once the rainy season lets up around here and I can start to feel ok about mopping the floor without it being a futile attempt. Three dogs tracking in mud prints several times a day is enough to cause a girl to give up her Swiffer Wet Jet and just live with the floor for a month or so. It’s definitely starting to seem more like summer than wet spring, so it’s time to get back on the wagon with that task too. The thing about home ownership? These kinds of things never end. I’m not complaining! I love my house (well, except the lino and kitchen cabinets…)

We’ve also gotten a good start on gardening. Last weekend I spent four hours weeding the back garden bed and it looks amazing. We’re looking into getting a bark mulch delivery to finally do mulch on that bed to help eliminate weeds. We’ve done it on some smaller beds and it does help quite a bit, and it looks nice too. We also renovated the bed in front of our garden shed, something we’ve been wanting to do for some time, and it looks great. It’s funny, you really do have to wait awhile in your home before going too crazy with the garden. It takes a few seasons to understand light needs, how wet or dry an area is, etc. We’ve had to rethink a lot of what we did in the beginning. Thankfully, most plants are forgiving if you move them about.

Next up? Getting out to take more pictures. I haven’t had much of a chance to do that with work being six days a week for the last while and the contest taking up my free time outside of that. Curt and I both have digital SLRs that we are trying to figure out what the heck we’re doing with, so the solution is to play and take a ton of pictures. Hopefully we can even take a day trip here or there and get outside of our neighbourhood.

Finally, I hope I can blog a bit more! I love writing but like any muscle, it gets flabby if it’s not exercised. So pardon the flab right now, I’ll be in fighting form soon enough : )

The most important part right now? VOTING! We’re going from 10 to 5 and I need your help to get there. I’m in 4th place for % of weight lost and 3rd place for inches lost! I need votes to have a chance to make it because I have been so busy at work (spring, shipping season at the wholesale nursery I work at) that I haven’t been able to work out at the gym as often or participate in some of the outside activities as I was able to in the first round.
Same deal as last time – go here: VOTING LINK: http://ow.ly/1Cbu3
Vote, and then check for a confirmation email. Open it, click the second link, and you’re done! So fast and easy. I’m the one who has to spend the next week worrying : )

It’s time to VOTE, everyone!! Yes, time to get your keyboards clicking and put me in the TOP 10 for the Total Makeover Challenge – 50% of my score is from online voting! Here’s the deal – one vote per email. Simple, right? One more rule – the vote has to be for me!

Please share on your blogs, twitter, Facebook…  PLEASE spread the word, every vote absolutely counts. I’ve been working so hard, help me continue on!

15 lbs down, 23 inches lost in 8 weeks… just the beginning of a new me! Voting is for ONE WEEK, until midnight March 31st. Please make sure you wait for the email confirmation from GoFusion and then click the 2nd link in the email to make your vote stick. It may take some time, so thank you for your patience and persistence!

VOTE FOR THE PRETTY REDHEAD IN BLUE!

photo courtesy Revival Arts Studio

7 weeks in, ready for my closeup?

Well, it’s high time I checked in here! Spring, by default, is my busiest time at work. Taking part in the Total Makeover Challenge was a big leap of faith for me because I know that it runs concurrently with my busy season in my job. Part of me worries about that (I am, by nature, a worrier – trying to fix that though). The other part of me is excited about it, because if I can’t put health and wellbeing first, then how useful and happy will I be in other areas of my life, including work? I need to know how to balance this all out so it will be something I do – something I AM – regardless of my “busy-ness” level. And so far, so good.

I am having to evaluate a lot of other areas in my life though, particularly volunteering and outside commitments. I like helping design and manage websites for non-profits or companies who don’t have a person like me to do that for them full-time. It helps build my skills, keeps me sharp and in touch with web trends. It also takes time, so I am working on figuring out exactly where I spend my time and how I can make some changes so I can continue doing the things I love in my free time, without burning the candle at both ends.

This week is a big one – we have our final weigh/measure on Thursday night and voting opens on Friday for one week. We find out if we make the top ten on April 1st (no foolin!) I admit that I’m nervous about the results – I’ve been having a blast with my new routine and really enjoying getting to know all the girls in the contest, plus the owners at GoFusion Fitness. Every week brings new strength and endurance, which is just awesome. If I don’t make the top ten, this won’t end for me – they gym is giving us the gym membership until the end of the contest (early May) so I will continue as I’ve been doing. I have longer term goals in mind and won’t be put off them by one small disappointment. But I’m not gearing up for that disappointment just yet – I’ve been working hard and participating as much as I can, so hopefully that will pay off and get me into the next round of the challenge! I’ll put up a reminder post on both this and my fitness challenge blog when the voting opens.

In the meantime – I’ll be working on keeping myself balanced. I started Yoga last week and I love it! I listen to stress reduction apps on my iPhone as often as I can, and it’s really helping. Just because you are one way in the past does not mean you are that way forever. I may have been worried and anxious in the past, but I’m calmer and more trusting now. I’m confident in my abilities, and feel strong in my body. Can’t wait to see what the next few months bring as I continue this transformation. How has 2010 been shaping up for you?

Yogurt is so good for you!

I mentioned on Facebook a couple of days ago that I had good success with making my own yogurt at home, and promptly had a flurry of responses asking for how I did it. Well I did it by asking a co-worker how she does it, and then consulted both the Oracle of Google and The Joy of Cooking. Here is my mash-up of all that information:

You will need:

• 2 litres (or however much you want, just need a pot big enough) of good milk. I used 2% Organic, cost about $5.50.
• Skim milk powder, I used 1/2 a cup.
• Candy thermometer (the kind that clips to the side of the pot)
• A large pot, or a double-boiler if you have one. Double-boiler makes it easier to heat the milk without scalding the bottom, like I did. But if you do, no worries. My smart co-worker says to just sprinkle baking soda and hot water on the scalded bits and leave it on for a little while, and it comes off much easier.
• Starter yogurt – basically a small amount (2-3 tablespoons – no more!) of very good, probiotic PLAIN yogurt. I used Olympic 0% fat plain probiotic. Take 2-3 tablespoons and whisk in some of the milk that you’ll be using for the yogurt to make it a little thinner, and set aside in a separate dish out on your kitchen counter for later in the process.
• One or several plastic containers with lids, including a small one for setting aside your starter for next time.

How I did it:

The experts recommend bringing everything to room temperature, but I didn’t do that and things were ok. Then again, it might have been even better if I had? Anyway.

Pour the milk into your large pot and whisk in the skim milk powder. I used the powder to make my yogurt a bit thicker without having to add gelatin or other such nonsense. You can try it without the powder too, and let me know how it is.  This is the most time consuming part – waiting for it to reach the right temperature. Put it on medium to medium-low heat (again, to avoid the scalding). If you’re using a double-boiler, you’ll want to get the water in the bottom pot boiling and keep it at a boil while your milk heats up in the top pot. Clip the candy thermometer onto the side of the pot so the thermometer is in the milk. Stir the milk frequently. You’ll want it to get to 180 degrees Farenheit. If you get the same thermometer I did, that’s the numbers on the inside of the circle, not the outside. Important to know!!

The milk will start to look frothy, like a latte, when it gets close to 180F. Once the milk gets to that temperature, put the heat to low or even to off, but keep it on the burner for about 5-10 minutes. Let it bubble and cook for a bit. Meanwhile, fill your kitchen sink about halfway with cold water, and even some ice cubes if you have them. Take the pot of milk and set it in the sink with cold water – this is to help it cool down a little more quickly. Keep the thermometer in the pot. You want the temperature to go to 110F.

While the temperature is dropping (slowly), preheat your oven to 200F. As soon as it hits 200F, turn it OFF and then TURN YOUR OVEN LIGHT ON. Your oven light will be enough to keep the yogurt at the right temperature while it incubates.

OK, so your milk is now at 110F. Take the thermometer off the pot – you’re all done with it. Take your yogurt starter (2-3 tablespoons – no more!!) that you’ve whisked together with a bit of the milk earlier. Slowly pour it into the pot of milk and use your whisk to distribute it fully through all the milk. Then you’ll take your plastic containers – old yogurt containers are perfect – and pour the milk + yogurt mixture into them. Have one small container ready to put 2-3 tablespoons of the mixture in – this will be your starter for next time!

Cover with the lids, and put them into the oven. The oven is OFF and only the oven light is ON. It should feel toasty in there but definitely not hot. This is why you can use plastic in there : ) I used one large clear plastic container with a lid, and it was great. Stick it in the oven, make sure nobody turns the light off and leave it be for minimum 8 hours. You can leave it in longer, but check after 8 hours. You should see a liquid that’s risen to the top, and it should have a greenish-yellow tinge. Open the lid and things should smell tangy. This is good! This is incubated yogurt! Leave it in longer for tangier yogurt – even up to 12-14 hours. I did this on a Sunday and it worked great after 8 hours. It’s mostly unattended time, just the first part with bringing the milk to temperature takes a little bit of attention.

When you’re happy with the look and smell of things, take it out of the oven, give it a very good stir with your whisk and put it in the fridge. Leave it in at least 4 hours (I recommend overnight) and the next day you’ll have creamy, yummy plain yogurt that you can add whatever you like to. It’s healthy, cheap and wonderful. For about $6, I made 2 litres of good quality yogurt. I saved about $10 over store-bought – I usually buy 2-3 containers of plain yogurt a week, so this is a great savings. $40 a month = $480 a year! No small potatoes.

It will last 7-10 days in the fridge. You can also strain it using a strainer lined with cheesecloth in the fridge for 24 hours to make thicker, Greek-style yogurt (or yogurt-cheese, it’s also called).

Lots of writing to explain it all, but really once you’ve done it once you’ll see how simple it is. Just remember that it needs certain temperatures for it to do its thing. And also – very important – don’t think that more starter is better. Yogurt bacteria needs room to move, so 2-3 tablespoons is really all you need for 2 litres of milk. Trust me – I have a big container of delightful yogurt in my fridge telling me it’s true.

Have fun – it’s like a science experiment!

Mom's 75th Birthday party!

Cross-posted on the fitness blog

Four weeks in, so how are things going?

In a word – great! Last week was a bit of a let down, as I stayed at zero – no gain, no loss. I guess that’s what you call a little plateau! I have a good feeling about this week. I think I wasn’t eating quite enough for the amount of exercise I was doing and put my metabolism into a bit of a tailspin. So this week I switched it up a bit and did some more research into net calories, etc. and I feel a lot more relaxed.

My workouts have been awesome! I am getting such a thrill from the feeling of pushing myself hard. Tonight I actually had to switch from 5lb hand weights to 8lbs for bicep curls – 5lbs is too easy!

I’ve been having lots of fun making treadmill/elliptical mixes for my iPod Nano. The library is a great source for CDs to borrow and download into iTunes, and then I use Tangerine to make workout mixes based on BPM. I never thought I’d get a kick out of listening to Shakira but it’s really good for a 6.0 incline at 3.5 speed!

I’m not seeing as many other contestants at the gym when I’m there, but everyone has different schedules so I’m sure they’re all just working out at different times. Results have been pretty positive so far! Last Thursday, we had a really fun “modelling” class where we learned to strut it on the runway. Let those hips sway and arms sashay, girls!

Downside right now? Time management. I’m finding my mind is getting a little muddled with everything I have to do outside of the gym. Work is getting busier, and I still have some fairly significant volunteer commitments, mostly to do with managing a couple of non-profit websites and their content, plus I’m the past-president of our women’s group at church so there are some activities there. Time to get some Getting Things Done mojo happening and get my head clear and happy again.

Other downside? Sore knees. Not sure if it’s joints or muscles or what, but some Tiger Balm 2x a day is doing the trick.

Upside? Sleeping well. Appetite is good and cravings are pretty much non-existent. Mood is even and calm. Husband and mom are supportive and great cheerleaders. I’m meeting lots of new people and having a great time.

A note for any interested businesses who follow this blog or are friends with me on twitter or Facebook: the voting for the challenge will be starting in about 3 weeks, and there is an opportunity for  banner advertisements (your logo with a link back) on my contestant page. I believe the cost is $300 and the pages tend to get between 1000 and 5000 pageviews during the contest. Not bad exposure for local businesses! Let me know if you’re interested and I can get you the contact information.

This week is weigh-in and measure again. I’ll check in on Friday or Saturday and update with the new numbers!

PS: A very happy 75th birthday to my mom! We had a great “German-style” dinner at our place yesterday, and yes, I enjoyed some fruit flan and wine! Yum! But it was prefaced by a nice long walk with the dogs.

Joy! My great-niece Kyla

When I was younger, I always viewed myself as moody. All through my teen years, it seemed all I did was cry myself to sleep at night – of course, this wasn’t really the case. The lens I look back on my life with is a little skewed, to say the least. I think the reality is that inside I was feeling a lot of emotions, tumbling here and there. I thought everyone could see how I felt, but really? They didn’t. As an adult, I quickly realized that I’m most often viewed as a pretty cool customer. Unflappable. Sometimes a little TOO unflappable – I don’t tend to get overexcited, so that can be seen as uninterested. Not usually the case! So now I work on trying to be true with my emotions and to open up a bit more. Emoting is really important in relationships – it helps us connect and bond.

Kyla and Mariah enjoying life, just because

At the tail-end of my depression, meeting my great-niece Mariah.

After the breakup of my first marriage, I went through a lot of things that were highly emotional – happy and sad. The combination of all this emotion threw me into a bit of a tailspin, and I ended up falling into a pretty deep depression for several months. My sleep patterns were completely messed up, and I just couldn’t seem to pull motivation out of anywhere. I was sad, but even more than that, I was – nothing. No real emotion. That scared me the most. I went on anti-depressants, which were somewhat helpful, but mostly I saw a counselor and learned about cognitive therapy. I learned to question the sad, bad thoughts and rework them so my reality wasn’t so bleak. And then I started just getting up in the morning, and then I took the next step and actually took a shower. I pretended like I had something important to do in the world, even though I was unemployed and on income assistance. Pretty soon I was moving back to Vancouver, getting a job, and eventually met my soulmate in Curt. All because I started talking back to the negative emotions, and followed up with action – small action at first, but action nonetheless.

Curt and I on his 30th birthday, happy and in love - still are, 10 yrs later!

Now, over ten years later, I’m really working hard on being happy – just because. No reason for happiness other than happiness itself. What an awesome emotion, the joy and elation of being able to express yourself freely. Even in the midst of sadness or frustration, there is happiness – if you look for it and grab it. Imagine being confident in your relationships to the point where you can be upset, pissed off, sad, scared – and not worry that the relationship will be damaged or strained. That is happiness. It’s not things or money or career. It’s not even other people! It’s so vital to understand that we all have a relationship with ourselves, and need to feel free to experience all of human emotion without hurting ourselves. This means no negative self-talk, no stuffing, no bottling, no eating away of emotions. It means to feel it – then act.

My two favorite guys! I love how they both share their emotions with me, freely.

So for today? I’m happy just because. Sure, the weather outside is amazing. I’m a little sad that we are days away from the Olympics here in Vancouver and we are having some of the warmest weather ever for this time of year. On the flip side? It’s absolutely stunning outside – the mountains were breathtaking this morning as I drove to work. I’m pleased because I can listen to headphones while I work and it seems to help me concentrate and get things done faster, and I can listen to awesome podcasts. Multitasking is great! I am excited for my first week weigh-in for the Total Makeover Challenge tonight because I made it through an up and down week without blowing my eating plan or exercise schedule. But none of that is required for my happiness – I’m happy because I’m finally comfortable in my own skin, with my own emotions and how I express them. Kind of feels like I finally grew up : )