Happy just because
Joy! My great-niece Kyla
When I was younger, I always viewed myself as moody. All through my teen years, it seemed all I did was cry myself to sleep at night – of course, this wasn’t really the case. The lens I look back on my life with is a little skewed, to say the least. I think the reality is that inside I was feeling a lot of emotions, tumbling here and there. I thought everyone could see how I felt, but really? They didn’t. As an adult, I quickly realized that I’m most often viewed as a pretty cool customer. Unflappable. Sometimes a little TOO unflappable – I don’t tend to get overexcited, so that can be seen as uninterested. Not usually the case! So now I work on trying to be true with my emotions and to open up a bit more. Emoting is really important in relationships – it helps us connect and bond.
Kyla and Mariah enjoying life, just because
At the tail-end of my depression, meeting my great-niece Mariah.
After the breakup of my first marriage, I went through a lot of things that were highly emotional – happy and sad. The combination of all this emotion threw me into a bit of a tailspin, and I ended up falling into a pretty deep depression for several months. My sleep patterns were completely messed up, and I just couldn’t seem to pull motivation out of anywhere. I was sad, but even more than that, I was – nothing. No real emotion. That scared me the most. I went on anti-depressants, which were somewhat helpful, but mostly I saw a counselor and learned about cognitive therapy. I learned to question the sad, bad thoughts and rework them so my reality wasn’t so bleak. And then I started just getting up in the morning, and then I took the next step and actually took a shower. I pretended like I had something important to do in the world, even though I was unemployed and on income assistance. Pretty soon I was moving back to Vancouver, getting a job, and eventually met my soulmate in Curt. All because I started talking back to the negative emotions, and followed up with action – small action at first, but action nonetheless.
Curt and I on his 30th birthday, happy and in love - still are, 10 yrs later!
Now, over ten years later, I’m really working hard on being happy – just because. No reason for happiness other than happiness itself. What an awesome emotion, the joy and elation of being able to express yourself freely. Even in the midst of sadness or frustration, there is happiness – if you look for it and grab it. Imagine being confident in your relationships to the point where you can be upset, pissed off, sad, scared – and not worry that the relationship will be damaged or strained. That is happiness. It’s not things or money or career. It’s not even other people! It’s so vital to understand that we all have a relationship with ourselves, and need to feel free to experience all of human emotion without hurting ourselves. This means no negative self-talk, no stuffing, no bottling, no eating away of emotions. It means to feel it – then act.
My two favorite guys! I love how they both share their emotions with me, freely.
So for today? I’m happy just because. Sure, the weather outside is amazing. I’m a little sad that we are days away from the Olympics here in Vancouver and we are having some of the warmest weather ever for this time of year. On the flip side? It’s absolutely stunning outside – the mountains were breathtaking this morning as I drove to work. I’m pleased because I can listen to headphones while I work and it seems to help me concentrate and get things done faster, and I can listen to awesome podcasts. Multitasking is great! I am excited for my first week weigh-in for the Total Makeover Challenge tonight because I made it through an up and down week without blowing my eating plan or exercise schedule. But none of that is required for my happiness – I’m happy because I’m finally comfortable in my own skin, with my own emotions and how I express them. Kind of feels like I finally grew up : )
Mac'd out geek girl; love my husband, my dogs, design, photography, gardening, red wine, eating fresh and local. I do creative stuff at a large Fraser Valley wholesale nursery.
Hurray, and more power to you, hugs
Amazing Rebecca and thank you for sharing so many parts of YOU! You openly share so many things that all of us feel at different times in our lives yet are unable to express at the best of times. Thank you for being an inspiration!